A little girl goes to the hospital with her mom to visit her grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mom and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa!!" she says excitedly, "as soon as my mom comes into the room, talk like a frog!"
"Well okay dear, but why?" replied her Grandpa.
"Talk like a frog because mommy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"
A mother is trying to get her son to eat carrots. "Carrots are good for your eyes," she says.
"How do you know?" the boy asks.
The mother replies, "Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?"
Elephant: Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Hippo: I give up.
Elephant: Because their kids have to play inside!
Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?
Robbie: No. Larry.
Pee Wee: What did the digital clock say to its mother?
Pee Wee: "Look, Ma! No hands!"
Ben: How come the mother needle got mad at the baby needle?
Jerry: I dunno.
Ben: It was way past its threadtime!
A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.
At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
Mom No. 1: How do you get your sleepy-head son up in the morning?
Mom No. 2: I just put the cat on the bed.
Mom No. 1: How does that help?
Mom No. 2: The dog’s already there.
Baby snake: Mommy, are we poisonous? Mother snake: Yes, son.Why? Baby snake: I just bit my tongue!
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Chris: Why is a computer so smart?
Mom: It listens to its motherboard.
One day Joe's mother turned to Joe's father and said," It's such a nice day, I think I'll take Joe to the zoo."
"I wouldn't bother," said father. "If they want him, let them come and get him!"
George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, "can Albert come out to play?"
"No," said the mother, "it's too cold."
"Well, then," said George, "can his football come out to play?"
The mother says to her daughter, "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
The daughter answers, "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"
One early morning, a lady went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
Son: "But why Mom? I don't want to go."
Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
Son: "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
Mom: "Oh, that's no reason to not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
Mom: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
Son: "Mom, teacher was asking me today, if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
Mom: "That’s nice of her to take such an interest in you. So what did she say when you told her that you’re the only child, my dear?"
Son: "She just said…"Thank goodness!"