Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've
got it made!"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son" asked the father, "what that shows you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day, the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download."
A young man agreed to baby-sit one night, so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime, he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed. At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home!?"
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."
A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
This is one of those controversial statements but I fully stand behind it.
Women should not have children after 35!
Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!"
They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee they have had very little experience in the matter.
I don't care what the doctor says.
I don't care what your friends say.
I don't even care what your pastor says.
Women should not have children after 35!
I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it,
and loudly and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it."
You can quote me on this. If you want to say that I said it. And I said it more than once.
"Women should not have children after 35!"
Some will send rude e-mails proclaiming the freedom of the womb but I still stand by what I said.
You may disagree with me, that I am your right.
I still stand firm on the issue.
With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue.
If I find an exception to this rule, then I will be open to change
but for now, it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception.
Women should not have children after 35!
35 children are enough!
Little five years old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again." Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."
A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"
A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the birdie?"His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven." Then the boy asked, '"And God threw him back down?"
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy,' he called, 'how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilized human being." There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father. "Now will you always come down stairs like that?" "Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the banister."
One day Joe's mother turned to Joe's father and said," It's such a nice day, I think I'll take Joe to the zoo." "I wouldn't bother," said father. "If they want him, let them come and get him!"
A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, "Can Albert come out to play?"
"No," said the mother, "it's too cold."
"Well, then," said George, "can his football come out to play?"
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
Little Brother: "If you broke your arm in two places, what would you do?"
Boy: "I wouldn't go back to those two places for sure."
May: "What position does your brother play in the school football team?"
Jay: "I think he's one of the drawbacks!"
Big Brother: "That planet over there is Mars."
Little Brother: "Then that other one must be Pa's."
Father: "I hear you skipped school to play football."
Son: "No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!"
An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."
The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, “Ma’am, I suggest you weigh your son."
"Mum, can I please change my name right now?" asked Ben.
"But why would you want to do that, dear?" said his mum.
"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"
Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
Raj had been talking on the phone for about half an hour before he hung up. His father said, "Wow! That was short. You usually talk for an hour. What happened?"
Raj replied, "It was a wrong number."
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel; the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph. "I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied. "Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?" "I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained. "And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé. The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
A young man moved away from his parents to become a student. Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, he led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the man replied. "A talking clock? Seriously? Asked his astonished friend! "Yup," replied the student. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the student replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You idiot, it's ten past three in the morning!"
On a cold winter's night, a small boy is tucked into bed by his dad. Just as soon as the dad turns out the lights his son asks, "Dad, can I get a glass of water?" Not wanting to entertain his son's requests, the dad replies in the negative and makes his own way to bed. Five minutes after settling into bed, the son calls out again to his dad, "Daddy, I really need water, can you please get me a glass?" Infuriated, the father replies, "No, you can't, try and get some sleep before I choose to give you the spanking of a lifetime!" Minutes fly by, "Daddy", here comes the call again, "when you come in to give me that spanking you just spoke about, can you please get me a glass of water too". Needless to say the son got his water minus the spanking.
No mother likes to see her son sucking on his thumb and this is as good as a fact. It so happened one day a mother who was fed up with her son sucking his thumb warned him about not doing so. She told him that if he continued to suck his thumb, he was sure to get fat, fatter than the fat boy who lived down the road. This fat boy was most noted for his culinary conquests at the local bakery. Thankfully, the very thought of getting fat scared the child out of his wits and he decided to stop sucking his thumb. One day, as mother and son were walking down the lane to their home, they chanced upon a pregnant lady. To the mother's delight, the young boy ran up to the pregnant woman and exclaimed, "Ah, I know what you have been to, please Ma'am, do stop sucking your thumb".
Then: A father's horsepower meant the number of horses he had. Now: A father's horsepower means the number of cars he owns.
Then: If a father put a roof over his friend's head, he was considered a huge success. Now: A father needs to put more than just a roof, a deck; a pool and a 5-car garage is what is needed most and appreciated most even.
Then: A father almost always passed on his clothing to his son. Now: No kid would even think of wearing his father's clothing, he'd rather die of the cold than be forced to wear his father's shirt.
Then: Fathers smoked pipes and cigarettes in the comforts of their home. Now: Fathers are lectured on the evils of smoking and are almost driven out of their own homes when it comes to giving into the calls of nicotine.
Then: A father used to come home from work to see his wife and children waiting for him and then even waiting on him at the supper table. Now: A father comes back to an empty home, with his wife at a meeting, his children at dance classes or gyms and a cold dinner to consume.
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