Marriage and Wedding Jokes
Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either ur money or ur life... The wives want both !
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
Because, there is always a better model in the neighborhood.
Searching these keywords on Google "How to tackle wife?"
Google search result, "Good day sir, Even we are searching".
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.
A friend recently explained, why he refuses to get married.
He says, "The wedding rings look like a miniature handcuffs".
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.
It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!
Funny quote on a husband's T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen
Imagine, living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself !!!
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish!
Santa for post of Security Guard was interviewed:
"We want someone with a suspicious mind, always on high alert, wanting to attack, strong body, high sense of hearing & most importantly Killer instinct.! Do u think u are eligible?"
Santa: "Nope.! But can My Wife apply.!"
Advertisement by a Married Man in a newspaper:
For Sale: Wedding suit, worn only once by mistake.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband,
"But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use, on the average, only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However,
her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Sweeter Sides of Life
Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always". Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot n Spicy, "Delicious anytime". Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice". Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip".
Respect to a Dead Union
A husband reminded the wife, Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I want to start the day with two minute's in silence.
Senseless and Careless
A man before marriage stays awake happily whole night contemplating about the wordage of lover woman. Then after marriage he starts snoring faster then loving wife utters the first word.
Your money gets transferred faster than lightning When you marry.
For unmarried only
Happy Independence Day.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~ Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want"?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~ Sigmund Freud
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~ Sam Kinison
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
~ James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~ Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
You know what I did before I married
Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
~ Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~ Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'