Q. What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
A. “OK, spare me no insults. Roast me!”
Jack: Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
Jack: He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.
Sister: Mom wants your to help us fix Thanksgiving Day dinner.
Brother: Why? Is it broken?
Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family.
“I just can’t stand my mother-in-law,” sighs one.
“That’s quite understandable,” nods the other one, “why don’t you just have the potatoes with the gravy?”
About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down.
The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
Q: How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
A: Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze
About two weeks into November, one turkey turns to his pal and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down. The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
Q: Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
A: I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Q: Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Q: Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
A: Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
You think you’re crazy about Thanksgiving?
You’ve got nothing on the turkeys. When Thanksgiving approaches, they literally lose their heads!
Q: Can you tell the difference between a female and a male turkey?
A: The male is the one with the TV remote.
Q: What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Thanksgiving breakfast.
Q: What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.
Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy answered, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
Q: Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
A: Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
Arthur any leftovers?
How To Cook A Turkey:
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out.
A grandma was showing the children a painting of the Pilgrim Family on a Thanksgiving Day card that they had received and she commented, ‘The Pilgrim children enjoyed going to church with their mothers and fathers and praying to God.’
One of the grandson looked at her doubtfully and asked, ‘Then why is their father carrying that rifle?’
A young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father’s lap and said, ‘Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?’
‘That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard’, replied his daddy as he ducked.
Q: What do you call a turkey that’s got no feathers?
A: Thanksgiving dinner.
Q: What is the theory of relativity?
A: Take Thanksgiving for example. The turkey gets stuffed, you get stuffed, but you’re relatively better off.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
A: He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Q: What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
A: Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving.
Q: What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
A: You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!
Q: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
A: Peach gobbler
Q: Why should you never set the turkey next to the desert?
A: Because he will gobble, gobble it up!
A man was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
“No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
Q: What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Good restaurant reservations.
Q: What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A har-vest!
John: I was going to serve sweet potatoes with Thanksgiving dinner, but I sat on them.
Tom: What are you serving instead?
Q: What vegetables would you like with your Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Beets me!
Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: No, you should just have the turkey!
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.
The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”
She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”
The father agrees, “All right.”
The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”
Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.