Q: What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
A: "What's eating you?"

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds. That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.

There are numerous advantages in being fifty – just ask any eighty year old!!!

"A true friend remembers your birthday but not your age."

"When's your birthday?"
"July 23."
"What year?"
"Every year!"

When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

Q: Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!

"My birthday's coming"
Do you know what I need?"
"Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?"

Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Q: "Were any famous men born on your birthday?"
A: "No, only little babies."

Q: How can you tell that you're getting old?
A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

"I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you."
"A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?"
"That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!"

Q: Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
A: Because people kept toasting him!


  • All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

  • At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

  • Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

  • It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

  • It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

  • It takes twice as long to look half as good.

  • Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.

  • People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

  • The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

  • The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

  • The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

  • There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

  • Things you buy now won't wear out.

  • When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

  • When happy hour is a nap.

  • When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

  • When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

  • You and your teeth don't sleep together.

  • You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

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