Vashti dishes and I’ll give you a hamantaschen!
Yankele: "Look at that bunch of cows!"
Moshele: "Not bunch, herd!"
Yankele: "Herd what?"
Moshele: "Of cows."
Yankele: "Heard of cows? Of course I've heard of cows!!"
Shimon: "Rebbe, I've finished the exam."
Rebbe: "Good. Did the questions give you any trouble?"
Shimon: "No. But some of the answers did!!"
It's winter in Russia and the people are hungry. The town council announces that meat will be arriving so all everyone gets on line to wait for the meat. After an hour of waiting in the snow and the freezing cold, the town council announces that there will be less meat coming then expected, all Jews go home. So, all the Jews leave the line. Another hour goes by and, again, the town council announces there will be less than expected food arriving, all non-communists go home. All the non-communists leave the line. Another hour, and the town council announces there will be no food arriving, everybody go home. As one man trudges home through the snow, he turns to his friend and says "you see, the Jews always get to go home first!"
Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach. The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..." The second lady nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!" The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!" The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."
A man is having a problem with his son and goes to see his rabbi. "I sent him to Hebrew School and gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah," says the man, "and now he tells me he's decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?" "Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "I also brought my boy up in the faith and gave him a fancy Bar Mitzvah. Then one day he, too, tells me he's decided to become a Christian." "So what did you do?" asked the man. "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi. "And what did he say?" pressed the man. "God said, 'Funny you should come to me...'"
A rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location! Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal symptoms. One Yom Kippur, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser and I'll be back in time for services." Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d. Moses said, "Look how terrible a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a rabbi besides!" G-d replied, "Watch, I'm going to teach him a lesson." Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened of a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE! Seeing all this, Moses protested: "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!" "Sure", said G-d, "but who's he going to tell?"