And all his crew,
Let me crack
A joke on you! Huge collection of Halloween humor, Halloween jokes, riddles, funny pictures, and all things to make a Happy Halloween! Funny pumpkin jokes and one-liners that make us laugh.
Here are some happy Halloween Jokes for you. Hope you will like them.
Peter: What did the vampire say to the ghost at the Halloween party?
Peter: “Come on! Why don’t you live a little?”
Q. What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A. You never know which witch is which!
Q. Why don’t mummies take time off?
A. They’re afraid to unwind.
Q. What do you call a witch who goes to the beach?
A. A sand-witch.
Q. What do you call two witches living together?
Q. Why do girl ghosts go on diets?A. So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Q. How do ghosts wash their hair?
A. With shamboo.
What kind of ice cream does a ghost like?
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
Every night he turns into a bat!
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Because everyone's dying to get in!
How does a vampire enter his house?
Through the bat flap!
What is a goblin's favorite kind of cheese?
How does a vampire enter his house?
Through the bat flap!
What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
What animals are the best pets?
Black cats, because they are purr-fect!
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch!
How do you unlock a door on Halloween?
With a spoo-key!
What does a zombie get when it bites a ghost?
A mouth full of sheet!
Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
They have no body to love
Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos.
The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?
What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.
What do you call a witch who drives really badly?
A road hag!
Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
Because he had bat breath
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
What is an optimistic vampire’s favorite drink?
What are ghosts' favourite streets?
Who are some of the were-wolves cousins?
The What-wolves and the When-wolves.
What happens when two vampires meet?
It’s love at first bite!
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. HAHAHA!!
What happens when you say boo to a ghost? He gets SHEET Scared.
What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
Why dont mummies go on vacation?
They are afraid they might unwind.
What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!
Where do they make werewolf movies?
When do werewolves go trick or treating?
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down!
Where do werewolves hate to shop?
I see dracula has been rearranging furniture with his teeth. He is doing a bit of fang-shui
I woke up on the middle of the night. Some ghost was standing over my bed. Before I could scream, he asked, "What’s your wifi password?"
Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So he organized a little competition. The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.
The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed. He asked, "Nice, how did you do it?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family." Dracula said, "Very good".
The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face. Dracula was shocked, "How did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests." Dracula said, "Fantastic".
Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body. Dracula couldn’tbelieve his eyes, "How did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower?" Dracula said, "Yes". And the bat said, "I didn’t see it".
A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line!"
Did you hear about the chopper that crashed in the cemetery? Search and rescue workers have recovered 100 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
The cemetery up the hill is really popular. People are dying to get in.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then dresses like a pumpkin and sits on Boss’ desk. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a jack-o-lantern." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where do you think YOU are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
What happened to Frankenstein’s monster on the road?
He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled for six months.
How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
How do you communicate with the Loch Ness Monster?
Drop him a line.
How do you address a monster?
Bill: Why did the policeman ticket the ghost?
Bill: It didn’t have a haunting license.
Brett: What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
Brent: I don’t know.
Brett: Wrap music!
Sarah: What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
Brian: Tell me.
Sarah: The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!
Everett: What’s a ghoul’s favorite game?
Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
A: "Make a fright turn at the corner."
Joshua: What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Aidan: What is a ghost’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Aidan: Boo and Gold.
Aidan: What is a witch’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Taylor: I give up.
Aidan: Brew and Gold.
Aidan: What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Aidan: Pack meetings, of course!
Doctor: Who’s my next patient?
Nurse: Mr. Ghost.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see right now.
Once, there were 2 guys sitting in a living room. One man says to the other,
"I would rather live with a vampire than my wife!"
and the other man says "Why?" He says,
"Because she’s always trying to bite my head off!"
The angry female ghost seems to state, "I’ve had it! In the middle of the night he turns on the television,
moves things from one place to another, and makes weird noises."
Funny, nay? By the way, how did I realise who’s a female ghost? Well,
simply look out for the most adorable eyelashes ever.
Bruce: What is a vampire’s favorite dance?
Kevin: I don’t know. What?
Bruce: The Fang-Dango.
Max: What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
Bill: Tell me.
Max: The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!
A ghost had been staying in a bed and breakfast hotel and when he came down for dinner he asked the waitress, "Please can I have two eggs, one tough and one rubbery, really tough bacon and burned, fried bread?"
The waitress said, "Sir, we really can't serve that kind of horrid food here."
The ghost replied, "Well, you did yesterday!"
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.¬
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they
drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet belt!
Race: Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween?
Race: It dampens their spirits!
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Q: Why are vampires tough to get along with?
A: Because they can be pains in the neck!
Q: What do you call a single vampire?
A: A bat-chelor.
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have a kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richard's mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live.
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".
David: Which ghost is the best dancer?
Joseph: I don’t know.
David: The Boogie Man!
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