General Thanksgiving Jokes
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other
anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your
sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.
The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”
She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”
The father agrees, “All right.”
The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for
Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day,
you get a turkey for four years.
Q: When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!
Teacher: "Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?"
Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"
Q: Why was the monster tickled when he ate the turkey?
A: Because he forgot to pluck the feathers!
Q: What's the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie?
A: Your teeth!
Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break!
Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree!
When did people think Fall began in the past?
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Autumn is a season for big decisions -- like whether or not it's too late to start spring cleaning.
Autumn -- time to drag out your winter clothes and see what kind of summer fun the moths had.
This is an exciting autumn. Our athletes are breaking the records for the most Olympic medals, and our political candidates are breaking the records for the most campaign promises.
Now, today’s lawn & garden tip. If you haven’t found the hedge trimmer yet, forget it. It’s almost time now to lose the leaf rake.
I could tell there was a hint of autumn in the air when my son's football smashed me in the face.
It's fall, that time when the colors change form green to red to gold -- and that's just the gunk in your swimming pool.
Autumn is a great time of the year. Soon those ugly patches of dead grass in your lawn will be covered up -- with ugly patches of dead leaves.
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
A store manager in Texas overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk smiled and said ...
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
Two men were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first hunter tells the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second hunter finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first hunter finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks his friend if he did as instructed.
The hunter answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
Q: What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Q: What kind of vegetable would you like tonight?
A: Beets me.
Last year on Thanksgiving, the childless farmer and his wife prayed for all their blessings.
But, they also prayed that their loneliness of having no children be
relieved. Their prayers were answered and the wife became pregnant. She
gave birth to triplets! A friend remarked, "See, prayers are always
answered." The farmer then then replied, "Yes, but I never
prayed for a bumper crop like this!"
At Thanksgiving with her folks, single Sally prayed the following, "Oh
Dear Lord, I'm thankful for all the blessing in my life. And, I'm
not asking for this for myself. But please send my mother a son-in-law."
In many cases, Thanksgiving would be much more heartily enjoyed if it came BEFORE election day!
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Q: Where did the first corn come from?
A: The stalk brought it.
Q: Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
A: To keep his wigwam.
Q: How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
A: It hugged the shore.
Thanks, for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own
business. Thanks, for a nation of finks.
-- William S. Burroughs, "A Thanksgiving Prayer".
Q: Rich people eat what on thanksgiving?
A: 14 karats [carrots].
Q: On which holiday do you pay a lot of jokes on thanksgiving?
Q: What do policemen eat on thanksgiving?
A: Corn on the cap.
Q: What do Thanksgiving and Halloween have in common?
A: One has gobblers, the other goblins.
What is Thanksgiving for selfish people called?
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The letter "g"!
Young Simon was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
'What are you doing?' Simon enquired.
'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied.
'Wow, that's cool.' Simon remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?'