Three friends, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first friend wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second friend wishes the same.
The third friend says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Jack and John met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time, Jack said to the John, "I'm extremely sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me."
The John stared at Jack thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
Peter: "Hi John, what are you doing?"
John: "Not much, writing a Valentine's Day greeting card."
Peter:"Why are you writing it with your left hand? Are you left-handed?"
John: "No, I just can't let my right hand to see it. It's a surprise for it."
Two friends talk:
1st: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke."
2nd: "Get money from your job."
1st: "I got fired."
1st: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside."
2nd: "Great job bro!"
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
John: Bro, send me some good jokes.
Peter: Sorry, now I'm busy with my Girlfriend.
John: Good One! Send me more.
I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
Jack's father died last night so John asked him "What was the cause of his father's death?"
Jack: "A bus passed over his finger!"
John laughed and told him: "It is not a suitable cause."
Jack: "When the bus crashed, his finger was on his nose!"
When you are in Hospital, your friends ask - “Hey, how are you dear?”
But your best friend ask - “Hey buddy, how is the nurse?”
Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes.
The second man said 'You don't have time to change shoes. You can't outrun that bear!'
The first man said, 'I know I can't outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you!
"What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny.
"Let's play schools," said Jenny.
"OK!" said Florence. "But I'm going to be absent."
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl.
The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the
perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are
between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of
your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have
no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you
were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Pritam is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he spots his friend Shankar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Shankar is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
Pritam gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Shankar and asks him, "Excuse me, what are you doing?"
Shankar replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks Pritam, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting
for gold in the desert. After roaming all day long under the hot sun,
they set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, John woke up
"Jack, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Jack looked up and replied, "I can see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked John.
Jack thought for a minute and said.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells
me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful
and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
After a moment of silence, John spoke.
"It tells two things to me. First is that...you are an idiot."
Jack looked at John, surprised. "Why do you say so?" he said.
"Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our
tent." replied John.
Two friends, Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the
afternoon. For a long time, they could not decide upon any game.
Suddenly, Jenny had an idea. She turned to Jinny and said excitedly.
"Let's play schools".
"OK!" said Jinny. "But I'm going to be absent."
Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were
inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. After
retirement, they went to different states and settled. However, they
kept correspondence through letters and e-mails.
To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two
glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately!
When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: 'This glass is
Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf
of Timothy, the other for myself.'
Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. He
was asked what had happened. He replied, 'You see, I have given up
drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my
glass and drink only on behalf of my friend.'
Money, money, money
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want
totake away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A more true Friend you will never find:-)
Espirit de spirit
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his
passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a
bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his
friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed,
but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy
from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make
a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member
of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on
his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have
an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his
kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
these jokes to your friend now! Click here!
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one
fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy
replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend
persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied,
"This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the
ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able
to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among
the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball
has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the
sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you
going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent.
I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks,
"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He
grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Do your homework - step by step
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend
from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can
both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If
your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one
of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair
in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since
fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the
way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-- I mean it!
As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing
yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the
university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in
less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt.
Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had
to write the paper.